Book Review: Making Peace with the Things in Your Life

With the extreme numbers of organizing books available, this book was on my radar, though cannot be sure where it would have landed if it hadn’t been included as part of the coaching program I took. We weren’t required to read the whole thing, just a section – though once I had the book I was reading it. Making Peace with the Things in Your Life: Why Your Papers, Books, Clothes, and Other Possessions Keep Overwhelming You – and What to Do About It by Cindy Glovinsky, M.S.W., A.C.S.W. is quite possibly one of the best books on organizing I’ve read.

This book takes a different approach than many organizing books out there – it’s designed to help you look at the internal stuff that happens around Things in your life. Often when dealing with all the stuff that surrounds us, we target the physical items first and this doesn’t always work well – the stuff keeps returning. Cindy Glovinsky is trained as a psychotherapist and walks the reader through many aspects to explore around the problem with Things. It’s designed to get you ready to use all those other more typical organizing books available.

One of the aspects that I really appreciated was that early on she talks about chaos and order – how “the two interweave in a perpetual, ever-changing dance.” She spends a little time talking about how these are both part of our universe and serve a purpose. Here I go again, my passions – the balance, the self-acceptance, the inevitable changes of life – this is part of life.

You might have noticed that when the word Things appears, it’s always capitalized. This is done throughout the book to draw your attention to it and change your perspective on the stuff around you. Generally I dislike the device of using capitals in such ways, though I found that it did shift my perspective. The word itself is wonderfully vague so it can apply to any of us, with whatever it is that we have. Her language and use of aliens and characters convey her compassion – for others and yourself.

If you want quick and easy answers, this book is not for you. It takes you through the major tasks needed to make lasting change. The book is broken into 4 parts – Part I: assumptions about Things; Part II: systematic inventory of Thing habits and Thing feelings; Part III: possible causes of Thing problems with suggestions for coping with them; Part IV: putting what you’ve learned into action. In the introduction she acknowledges that figuring out what is going on for you with Things is hard work and that it might feel like this is a lot of trouble to go through, yet “[O]nly action informed by insight can lead you out of the circles.”

As with many things – from time management and scheduling to organizing and beyond – there’s a need for the foundation. I look at David Allen’s Getting Things Done (GTD) as foundational work for scheduling and managing time (at least so far in my reading), which means that Franklin Covey might not work for you until you get the basics of GTD. If you struggle with handling your stuff well, Making Peace with Things in Your Life is a great foundation on which to start. Then you might move on to the books dealing with physically handling your stuff and space.

Collections, When to Stop

We all collect things. It might be something relatively unusual or completely commonplace. Women have the stereotype of collecting shoes and/or purses. I’ve talked many times about my own collecting of media – books, music, and (somewhat) movies. Men have been stereotyped as collecting tools and/or electronics. Stereotypes can often some basis in truth, though we cannot mistake that as truth or being even remotely close to typical.

Collecting things is not bad in and of itself. It seems to me that it’s an inevitable fact of living. We need clothes and shoes to survive. Often we need certain things to apply to different situations and occasions – not all shoes are appropriate in all settings – which means we all need more than one pair. We find value in certain items – my books are knowledge and other worlds to me. Also, we enjoy collecting things – there’s a desire to have more of this or that.

Therefore this is not about trying to tell you to avoid collecting things. Nevertheless, we cannot collect things indefinitely. There needs to be an end, a time and place where we stop. We need to recognize how this applies to us, as individuals, and there is no simple answer. Because of this, here’s a number of considerations for you as you contemplate your own collections, whatever they might be – and you can discover where that place is for yourself and your situation.

Sometimes it’s as simple as the collection feels finished to you. This means you need to be attuned to that feeling – paying attention to when you feel that you have enough. It could mean that you have enough to cover those various occasions or unique characteristics. Then you need to have the discipline to not collect more. — i.e. shoes of different colors and style for your expected situations – although this does not mean you will no longer desire to collect more – yet you can choose to focus on the anticipation of getting more once one of the current items need replacing.
A clear clue that it’s time to stop collecting is when you run out of space for your things. You need to decide whether there are other things that can go to make room for your collections or does some of your collection need to leave to make room for more. — I’ve talked before about donating some shoes to make room for a partial bookshelf in my closet, and when I did this, I largely stopped bringing any more books in – I was aware of the limited space.
Are you cycling your items in and out simply as a reason to collect more? You need to examine your motivation here, if you enjoy the cycling things in and out, great. On the other hand, if you are using that as an excuse to collect more, it might be time to stop and look at what else is going on for you. Cycling things can be a great way to keep your things fresh and continue appreciating them.
Have you stopped appreciating what you already have? It’s remarkably easy to become blind to our things, we are so used to seeing them, and we begin to forget they are there. If the number of items is getting in the way of your appreciating your collection, you might need to scale back your collection.
Something I’m not sure how much we think about as consumers is that virtually everything requires some maintenance. Are you able and willing to do the things to maintain your collection? Many items are meant to be used – leather shoes need to be worn and if you want to maximize their life, they also need to be cleaned and waxed. — I also think often of pearls with this – as they are meant to be worn, it helps keep their luster, yet many can be reluctant to simply wear them around the home – so we might not be maintaining our things as they need to be.

You might have noticed that some of what I’ve talked about might not be collections per se, someone could have one pearl necklace, but it is one more thing they have – is it being appreciated, protected, valued? These questions can apply to more than just the things that can be grouped together – all the things in our homes are a collection of sorts.

Earlier I mentioned that there is a time and a place to stop our collecting – this is an individual process. Jay Leno continues to collect cars, hiring people to help take care of all of them; I wonder how much he is able to actually appreciate this car collection. It also doesn’t hinder his life apparently. Most of us do not have this luxury, and I do not envy him – I appreciate my life of relative simplicity tremendously. As I’ve said before in a previous post, do you have a collection or does your collection have you?

Book Review: Buried in Treasures

There are 3 names that come up again and again when it comes to the topic of hoarding – from their independent work to their collaborative work: psychologists David F. Tolin, Randy O. Frost, and Gail Steketee. All three wrote, Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding and although it was not the first book I read on the topic, it was the book I was always intending on reading – it’s “that big” a book on the topic. I read it more than a year ago now, and happily made notes (and have the book to refer to) for both this review and how it can apply to those I work with.

First, let me share that I was almost shocked when I found a copy of the book – it was quite a bit smaller than I’d imagined, coming in under 200 pages long. It’s also very much a workbook of sorts for people wanting to tackle their struggles. Similar to many books on organizing and hoarding, it tries to make it clear that unless you are ready to make changes, they will be hard to come by. It is discouraging to hear that the success of “recovery” is minimal; that it takes continued efforts and mindfulness.

This is the case though for all of us – and applies to any changes we want to make. As they say in the book, “People start to work on their hoarding problem when the reasons for change outweigh the reasons for not changing, and not a minute sooner.” Now if you take out the word hoarding, it applies to changes in general. Changes are difficult to make, whatever they are, and we need to be ready and truly motivated.

They spend some time talking about reinforcement, positive and negative, and how these are critical to self-control and exert powerful influences over our actions.

“We all tend to be motivated most strongly by immediate rather than delayed consequences. This is a big part of the problem: instead of being able to step back and appreciate the long-term consequences of our actions, we become slaves to the here and now. …long-term consequences, unpleasant as they may be, simply are not very powerful motivators compared to the immediate…” Buried in Treasures

I see this in myself sometimes, and this does seem to be universal – we struggle with what impact our decisions will make down the road. Or even struggle to make decisions in general, though not making a decision is ultimately still making a decision.

I’ve talked before about how I dislike the term “hoarding” and I will even talk to clients about how I myself have some “hoarding” tendencies. On some level, we all do. I do have close to 2,500 books. My husband teases me sometimes about the number of containers I have. I can resonate with the desire of collecting. The authors were sharing a story and although the level of my stuff does not compare, it hit home for me: “…defining himself not by what he did, but rather by what he had and what he hoped to do. … Now ask yourself: is the amount I have proportional to the amount I do?” I, like some many others, have big dreams – many ideas and hopes – and collecting items for that one possible day translates too often into having excess clutter. Now, I evaluate whether the things are relevant for me currently or are more for a dream. I can always find those again if it becomes more than a dream.

The authors spend time talking about some of the common struggles people face – the idea of “how did this happen to me?” There are many tips and techniques they share. Two of them stood for me. One is the idea of the OHIO principle, which I talked about in a previous post – where you move pieces along in your system and aren’t worrying about loose ends because it’s been “handled.” The other was “elaborative processing” where people have “the tendency to think of more and more uses for an object.” I played with this for myself, how creative could I get – and at what point do I not care anymore what it’s potential is.

In closing, another quote – a goal we all share, to find balance in our lives:

“…for most of us, successfully navigating life means striking the right balance between that feels good and what is good. … There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer; it depends on the person and situation. But living a balanced and successful life does involve, at least some of the time, inhibiting things that are immediately reinforcing and instead choosing things that will pay off in the long run. Another way of saying this is that we run into trouble when we become too dependent on immediate rewards, and lose focus on long-term goals.”

The Cost of an Item

Something weird has been happening to me – and it’s reached a new height. I don’t want more stuff. Now, some of you might be rolling your eyes at me – yet until just recently I always wanted some book or CD (usually several of each) at any given moment. Media is where I tend to collect, despite some women collecting shoes, purses, or jewelry – I’ve had a hard time resisting another book or three. 🙂

I mentioned a while back my husband inspiring me to consider purging most of my cassette tapes, which then led to my examining my movie collection. Meanwhile, he and I are currently going through our CD collection. There’s a local place that is frequently a temptation for me – Half Price Books – where they specialize in media: books, music, and movies, oh my! I enter the store sporadically, sometimes because I just don’t want to be tempted and sometimes because I’ve been disappointed at not finding something to bring home.

Movies have been one of the media I’ve collected – not that my collection ever approached the number of CD’s, let alone books that I have; yet I had over 300 movies at one point. I still peruse the movies they have – especially the clearance area of the movies – since they’re all between $1-3. This is how I achieved the original number of movies – used and sometimes clearance.

Yet now when I look through those movies, I pull something interesting off the shelf and look at it – the idea of paying $2.00 for those, it isn’t worth it. This is truly a little mind-boggling for me. Really. And I can’t say it’s about saving that two dollars plus tax.

What it does seem to be about for me is the greater cost:

the cost of space in my home
the cost of my time if I was to watch it (except I wouldn’t watch it much)
the cost of spending money for something that I won’t truly appreciate
the cost, potentially/probably, of feeling bad at owning it when I next purge (and never having appreciated it)

There are other factors to consider as well:

how much of what you have are you currently appreciating? (I still have over 100 movies and watch maybe 10% of those. Now the movie needs to be pretty special to come home.)
do you have the time or even the inclination to appreciate this new item? (Most movies that come home with me, I usually don’t manage to watch for more than 6 months!)
if you avoided spending on this and that over time, is there something else you’d deeply appreciate? (I’ve been drawn to experiences lately, so I’m inclined to avoid spending on “minor” items and feel good about going for a horseback ride.)

There’s also a joy in buying only what you need or are going to appreciate. I was touched to arrive at a client’s and she looked at me and said, “It’s amazing how light and free I feel not buying just stuff and in turn also getting exactly what I need.”

My reasons for not spending $2.00 on a movie aren’t going to match yours. On any item. Yet, is there a way for you to consider the value for yourself of what you buy? With any purchase, the cost is more than financial. I know this isn’t something I thought much about until recently. I was focused almost exclusively on just the financial part – hence why a $2.00 movie with a great actor or a good plot would usually come home with me. 😉

I continue to find this perspective to be unnerving – it’s still relatively new for me. Yet, it’s also tremendously freeing. I wish I could share the internal space I’m in with everyone, just so they could know what it feels like. I encourage you to examine the temptations, the random “unnecessary” items that come into your home, and see if you can find those other “costs” as they apply for you.

Preventing Slips, Trips, and Falls

June is National Safety Month, where each week has a different theme – this week’s theme is preventing slips, trips, and falls. This ties in well with organizing – as no one wants to be injured unnecessarily. When we have excess stuff around, on the floor especially, we’re putting ourselves at risk. I say this from experience since I’ve bashed my toes more than once – and not usually from clutter.

You might remember that I have issues with the term “hoarding” and certainly, the concerns of the families is not limited to the “hoarders.” We can surmise from the National Safety Council’s focus for a week on preventing slips, trips, and falls that this is something that applies to all of us – clutter or not. Heck, I’ve broken toes from a certain degree of clumsiness. And that was from major pieces of furniture being where they’d always been! (I’ll take a brief moment to promote the idea of wearing shoes where your toes are covered – and this despite being someone who loves being barefoot. ☺) If we can prevent ourselves from slipping, tripping, or falling, this is what we all want.

Whether you have lots of stuff around or not, it’s important to look around – try to notice those things that we become blind to because we’ve gotten used to them. I’ve tripped over cat accessories, even with them in plain sight. The cat toys now live in a tin, without a lid, over in a corner in our living room. It’s even cute to see the ones that get pulled out and we’re limiting the risk of tripping or twisting an ankle from stepping on them. They also get put back periodically, since if they didn’t they’d be a hazard again.

Stairs are a popular place to put things down on as they wait for their turn to be carried to the top. I do this frequently since I procrastinate making a trip upstairs until I need to. Are you aware when there are things sitting on the steps? It’s remarkably easy to become a bit blind to a constant pile. I rarely put more on the steps than can go up in one trip, and rarely ignore or procrastinate carrying them up. Items along the stairway are a dangerous hazard – it’s bad enough to trip on a flat surface, and exponentially worse on stairs.

This week’s topic for the National Safety Month interestingly coincided with my finishing a book, Digging Out: Helping your loved one manage clutter, hoarding, & compulsive acquiring by Michael A. Tompkins, Ph.D. & Tamara L. Hartl, Ph.D. As a “hoarding” book, it takes a different approach – it focuses on helping your loved one make the home as safe (and comfortable) as possible. It examines what I’ve already talked about – stairs and floors being clear of loose items. They also address other serious hazards – such as papers on or near the stove.

Keep in mind any areas that seem to cause problems – I moved a chest from the foot of the bed since I banged my toes more than once in the middle of the night, to another room. In the spirit of this week’s safety theme, look around your home and office with fresh eyes and see if there are ways to improve safety.

Do You Have a Collection or Does a Collection Have You?

We all collect something. There is something that we value or are drawn to own. We have all heard of the stereotype of the woman with tons of shoes. I’ve known people who have collections of binoculars, watches, portfolio bags, muffin tins, CD’s, figurines, and the list goes on. It matters little what the collection consists of, we often have something we collect.

Recently we decided to go back to the House on the Rock. At one point I turned to my husband and said, “Now, this is where I would step in and say, ‘Do you really need more than 300 Santa coffee cups? How about we try to cut this down to a more manageable size?’” Although some were unusual or antique looking, most looked like the typical mugs you would find at Walgreen’s each Christmas.

And it wasn’t just Santa cups, but cigarette lighters, whiskey barrels, rifles, scrimshaw, and far more.

Alex Jordan collected things, to the point that he kept adding buildings to contain all the things he was collecting. This is not something that many of us can realistically do. If we run out of room to have access to or display the things we collect, we need to start to make hard decisions.

How often do we collect something and then stop to consider whether this still reflects who we are and what we want? We continue changing and evolving throughout our life and need to make time to re-evaluate what we have around us.

If you have been keeping up with my newsletter/blog you know that I recently went through my collection of class notes, some dating back to my middle school days. Taking the time and knowing it was time to part with these things, I was able to recycle more than 90% of the papers I’d saved.

On the other hand, I loathe parting with books. I was so pleased that, in planning our redecorating of a room, we had come up with a way to combine the functionality of holding more books, without limiting the use of the room. Although the total count of books is not yet complete, it looks like there will be more than 2,000 books in our home! (See why I think the term hoarding can too easily applied?) So far in the rearranging, I have only found 4 books that I willing to part with. Books hold importance for me.

Whatever we collect, the determining factor is whether there is room for the items. Are there things that we can part with, if need be, to make room for what we are determined to keep? Unless you have the resources of Alex Jordan and can keep expanding your house as your collections expand, you have a limited amount of space to work with and it is important to live well within those dimensions.

I want to be able to appreciate the items I value enough to keep. I do not want to be overwhelmed by the things surrounding me or even to become blind to them by their familiarity. It is a continual process. I periodically will look around the house with a critical eye, watching for things that have lost some of their value to me. It is important to not forget the things that are behind doors, in drawers, anything that is not immediately visible are worth going through.

Is there something you are reluctant to examine with the possibility of parting with it? When was the last time you looked through your collection and pared it down?

Purging School Papers and Why Saying Hoarding Should be a Crime

I mentioned that doing the room re-vamp is a good excuse to sort through some old papers. The truth is, the little 2 drawer filing cabinet I picked up in college contained these college papers so well, they were together and out of the way. With all the things in life that needed to be done, I had no pressing need to pull out those papers and go through them. That is, until we decided to empty the room and remove the little filing cabinet! Fortunately, by then I had already decided that I needed to go through them and purge them.

But first, before I go on, I have a confession to make. I hate labeling behavior. Doesn’t make a difference if it’s mine or someone else’s. I just do not see much value in applying labels and see that they can too often apply to a wider audience. The problem lies in the negative connotations that we associate with the labels and being reluctant to think of ourselves with these labels. I am thinking of “hoarding” and in writing this I decided to look up the definition. According to Merriam Webster, hoarding is “the act of collecting and hiding or storing (esp. valuable items) for preservation, security, or future use; treasure up (esp. money); store in the mind etc.”

I was working with a woman who had labeled herself in this way. I was talking to her and mentioned that I struggle with “hoarding” too. As an organizer, she dismissed my claim, unable to believe that I hold onto things more than I probably should. Yet, the truth is that there are things that I am reluctant to get rid of. I believe that we each have things that we hold on to, things that someone else might not see the value of, and organizing is about finding places for the things that matter to the individual. The important piece about holding onto things, is making a place to keep those things we value, and as long as they have a logical place and do not hinder life, it does not matter how or what we collect.

At this point, I am almost embarrassed by the fact that I have kept all my college and, even worse, many of my high school class notes and handouts, and a few from middle school. I have lugged them through many moves and cannot say that I have used or read them since I acquired them. Many years ago, I did gather each class together, in either a three-ring binder or a folder, and labeled each of them. They lived easily together. As I was moving them out of the room, I made sure to keep them all together.

Despite my not looking at them for so long, I think it is important not to just toss them. I have been going through them, looking at the name of the class, which helps me know if there are likely things I might want to save, and directing me on how much time I might spend on going through the papers.

One of the first things I discovered, which validates the importance of going through things before tossing, was some drawings my best friend made on some poems I had written for a class. I have found other things that I still value and want to keep.

As I continue the process of reviewing these, it has become obvious that I will need a way to organize and store the papers I still want to save. I am pleased because I also can see how much I have decided to get rid of and that far outweighs what I am keeping. The things I still feel are important also show me what I am still interested in and value having information on.

Here is a YouTube video of the process of going through old notes and papers.

Some of the notes and papers I have saved are the reproductions that classes have included as part of the required reading. I find this is one of the hardest areas to sort. I am an avid reader, and books are one of the things that I am loathe to part with, so I will take more time going through these photocopied essays and poems. They were useful for the class itself since they were organized by the order they needed to be read. One of the major reasons that they are not fully functional as they are currently is that I do not really know what I have amongst them.

Likewise, I have made another YouTube video for the reproductions from classes and how to approach the task of sorting and saving what is important.

Maybe I am unique for holding onto school notes and papers for so long, even finding some that date back to middle school, yet it was obviously something that I valued. Does it make me a hoarder? Does it matter? The crucial point is how we do not let our collections interfere with living life and to organize them so that when we want to appreciate those things, we are able to do so.